The John Report: The Raw Deal for August 10/09 (Cena vs. Jericho)

Welcome to the Raw Deal. This week's show emanated from my home country of Canada this week, so I was hoping it would deliver better results than last week. There will be the usual rundown this week with my thoughts, the three stars, a rating and then comments from readers of this column via my facebook page. I'm once again being lazy by not doing "The Deal On…" section, but that's mostly because I'm using whatever free time I'm able to spare to write something of a historical Summerslam piece that will probably be posted next week before Summerslam.

Big thanks to Steven Kirby of www.cyberblueprints.com for the banner. It figures that it debuts the week that Mickie's not on Raw although she is on Superstars, so we'll get to see her this week anyway. If others want to make a banner feel free to do so by emailing it to me or posting it on my facebook page. Just put a Raw related person on it (or Jericho even though he's technically on Smackdown) make sure it has "The Raw Deal" on it and "by John C." somewhere on there too. I'll even plug your website if you want. Thanks.

Live from Calgary, Alberta here's the Raw Deal…

Before I start I want to reiterate again that I'm Canadian. I've been to dozens of wrestling shows here in Canada, mostly Ontario where I live. Every time WWE comes here they do everything they can to get cheap heel heat probably because they're pissed that Canadian fans boo who they want and cheer who they want. I wasn't expecting anything less here.

Raw's GM of the night…wait actual wrestlers!
Hey look, they started Raw without the GM in the ring. It was actually about the wrestlers and the main event of Summerslam. Crazy, huh? Orton came out, said he's not afraid of Cena and that he's guaranteeing victory at Summerslam. Cena came out all crazy like, saying he really hates Orton and he was about to snap. What has Orton done to him to make him snap? I guess this is their way of saying the feud has had no build so far, so they're trying to boost that up quickly. What was with all of the staring? I mean I know all Orton ever does is stare because Vince probably loves his eyes, but it was a little excessive here. Not to mention the face touching. Just as they were about to fight (or kiss?), JeriShow came out. Huge pop for Jericho because Calgary knows he's the best. The crowd loved him during all of it, which he seemed to enjoy. Jericho's lines about being Canadian were great, then Cena saying he loved Canada so much that he chose to leave was very funny. The end result was that Slaughter booked Jericho vs. Cena and Show vs. Orton because the tag champs intimidated him. Then Orton stared. Again and again and again. He loves to stare. This was a better opening segment than last week because it put the focus on the actual wrestlers rather than the guest GM, but it's not like it was great or anything. My hope here was they'd give Cena vs. Jericho twenty minutes of in ring action before the obvious run-in. They do it on Smackdown, so why not here? Because this is Raw where good wrestling goes to die.

Hey there's Sgt. Slaughter and his chin. Good to see them both there.

Hunter's going to find Michaels for us. At least they can say Michaels' name as opposed to last week.

Gail Kim d. Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix & Alicia Fox (*1/4)
This was certainly an athletic women's match. I think it was a nice attempt by the ladies in doing the typical cruiserweight spot (from WCW in the 90s) with everybody piling up on the floor. Kim's an incredible athlete while Fox continues to impress me. She's the greatest wedding planner turned wrestler in the history of the business. I'm not afraid to say it. Some of the stuff was a bit sloppy, but it was better than a typical women's match because they were able to plan the spots better. I'm looking forward to Kim vs. James in the future. Hopefully it leads to Mickie turning heel because, as I've said before, she is very good in that role.

Slaughter came out, said we should pay homage to Canada. Then a circle with a line came up to cover the flag. My reaction as a Canadian to this is supposed to be: "Oh no, I am crying now. How dare he insult my beloved country." My real reaction is: "I wonder what Mickie James is wearing right now. Please show her ass." Apparently if it wasn't for America we'd be speaking Russian and French. Great history lesson, thanks for that. I'll have you know I was forced to study French in school and I've forgotten all of it because in Canada we consume a lot of beer due to how much we hate being forced to learn French. This segment felt like it would work well at a local show, but on a show booked all across the world it's just time filler more than anything. I'm sure Vince thought it was hilarious. And that's what matters...to Vince.

Jack Swagger d. Evan Bourne (*)
Similar to last week, Swagger beat him in about three minutes with the Gutwrench Powerbomb that badly needs a name. Call it the Swagger Bomb for all I care. Just give it a name. Would have been nice to see a longer match than three minutes, but this is Raw, so it's what we expect by this point. I'm fine with the victory because Swagger's my boy and they need to build up heels on this show other than Orton. Post match, MVP came out, mocked him a bit by making fun of the lisp and challenging him to a match. Swagger said next week, so MVP shoved him. What I like about Swagger are the little things like checking to see if his teeth are alright because his teeth are annoying to fans. Little things like that matter, ya know?

Cue the comedy with HHH looking for Michaels. I love how nobody in the restaurant reacts to HHH there. He sees this dude in a ponytail, thinks it's Michaels and it turns out to be a gay guy that gets off at 7. "I'm sure you do," oh the crafty Game is back. So much more enjoyable than the "you beat up my family so now I have to beat you up" guy that we've seen for like five months. Shawn's the chef at the restaurant getting yelled at by the daughter of some rich guy as he's ready to go nuts because she's annoying. HHH bumps into him and Shawn just walks to the back of the restaurant meaning there's more to come. I love Michaels' comedy segments for his facial expressions, but this one wasn't great. It would get better, though.

Here's Sarge again to insult Canada. He pretends to bring out Celine Dion. God, I wish they did that. She's get booed like she deserves. Instead we get Jillian, who of course sings God Bless American badly. More filler basically, and a waste of her talents. Once again I'm sure Vince thought it was hilarious. And that's what matters...to Vince.

Calgary Kid d. Eugene (1/2*)
Is it wrong that I laughed hysterically when Eugene tried reaching the tope of the pole from the bottom rope? I'm easy to please, I guess. Calgary Kid was of course The Miz. I could tell after about 5 seconds. He won, then pronounced that he's awesome. I pronounce that this was terrible. I have no idea if they were planning to move him off Raw onto another show and they changed their mind or if this was just done to…uh…um…get Miz a win? I have no idea. Eugene was rumored to be on Smackdown. Not sure if that's happening. I hope it doesn't. I really don't miss the Eugene character although I'm happy for Nick Dinsmore that he's got his life in order.

Big Show d. Randy Orton via countout (*1/4)
With the amount of pausing and staring that does combined with Show's lack of speed this was a very slow match. I do like the DDT off the ropes spot that Orton does and it worked here on Show too. Show came back with a chokeslam, then made sure to not hook the leg that was near the ropes and of course Orton made ropes. Show tried to punch him out, but Randy bailed for a countout win. They love the countout wins lately, huh? I don't know what this does to make the WWE Champion look good heading into Summerslam. I'd rather see something like Orton vs. Kingston in a competitive 10 minute match that Orton wins while allowing Kingston to look good. It would be much more effective than a boring, slow, plodding six minute match ending in a DQ.

More "comedy" with HHH and Shawn. Michaels was good here even if the material wasn't. HHH said he needed him, Shawn said he didn't need it anymore and loved his job there, which of course meant somebody throwing food at him. Then a fire broke out again right on cue. Too bad Kane wasn't there moving his arms up and down causing the fire. Can he ignite fires only in a ring or does he have the talent in the kitchen? We may never know. Anyway, Michaels emerged with black marks on his face from the fire to tell HHH that he was willing to listen.

MVP d. Chris Masters (*)
This was over in three minutes. Was Vince drunk when he booked MVP to actually win a match? You know how when you see a young wrestler you try to be positive about what they bring to the table. I don't see much in Masters. Has he improved since he debuted a few years ago? I don't see it. He just doesn't look very athletic in everything that he does. You need to be more than somebody with big muscles. It will only get you so far even with Vince's hard on for the dudes with big muscles. Post match, Swagger came out to distract MVP, who was given the Masterlock and Swagger's finisher. That's fine. Building to a midcard match next week. I like it. Please give MVP and Swagger more than six minutes next week. Give them 12 minutes. Do the "guy laying on the floor so we have to go to commercial" spot. Let them tell a story. It would be even better if they did the match at Summerslam. They deserve it.

I love how they're proud of Piven and Dr. Ken mentioning them on talk shows. I'm sure Vince feels it was a great show last week because nobody that works for him could tell him otherwise or else they may get fired. This is why they have celebrity guests. They think people talking about them on late night talk shows or even early morning shows is going to lead to more viewers. It won't.

Time for the last "comedy" segment with HHH and HBK. Yes, a Summerfest reference! The manager yelling "Hickenbottom" at HBK was nice. Hunter: "Hickenbottom? What kind of a stupid name is that?" Shawn: "I had to protect my anonymity." I laughed at that one. I love how the manager had no idea who HHH was. That made me laugh even more because it was unintentionally hilarious. I guess he doesn't buy WWE PPVs with HHH main eventing either, which is what the recent PPV buys tell us. Shawn superkicked the manager and confirmed he was in while a random old lady dropped the "Suck It!" on the world. That's what she said. The whole thing ended with Shawn apparently superkicking (we never saw it, thankfully) the little girl that was whining to him. I wonder if the sponsors that pony up the money for a PG show liked that one. Then he quit the chef job. This was a much funnier segment than the first two because of Shawn.

I'm sure some hated these segments while others loved them. I liked Michaels in them and I thought HHH was okay. That's mostly because I think funny HHH is better than "Stone Cold" Triple H that's been boring the hell out of me on Raw since February. I'll take what I can get.

The highlight for the show, for me, was the question on wwe.com asking who Sgt. Slaughter beat for the WWF/E title. The choices were Randy Savage, Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan. If you typed "Sgt. Slaughter WWE Title" in google not only can you get the answer within five seconds, but you can get it from WWE's own website in their history of the WWE title section here. Knowing that, it's amazing that 51% of the people didn't know the answer was the Ultimate Warrior (for what it's worth I knew because I witnessed the atrocity that was Sgt. Slaughter vs. The Ultimate Warrior for the title). I guess this proves that most fans are idiots. Thanks for confirming it for us. Next week's question: What letter comes after the letter G? The choices are S, H, I and T.

What would a show in Calgary be without a Bret Hart jab? Slaughter introduces us (he tries to anyway) to the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. Bret's music starts up and instead it's Hacksaw Jim Duggan. This would have been the perfect time for the Hart Legacy to come out and drop him with the Hart Attack finish. Instead, it didn't happen. Why? Because you guessed it folks…Vince thought it was hilarious. And that's what matters...to Vince. I really don't think the majority of fans are that pissed off about this sort of thing anymore. They should be used to it by now. It's cheap heel heat done in every city. Big deal. Speaking of Bret Hart, go read my review of Survivor Series 1997, then go get the Bret Hart DVD and read his book because they're both awesome.

Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes d. Markswoggle and Hornswoggle (*)
Hey, at least Chavo is spared this week. How do you put Legacy over strong heading into a huge match at Summerslam against two of the best ever? By having them get absolutely no offense in on Mark Henry and by pinning a midget. Wow. I can't wait for Michael Cole to talk about how Legacy is on a roll because they pinned Horny. Good times. I realize that the story is that Legacy are despicable because they pinned Hornswoggle, but isn't that what you're supposed to do in a match? From a booking standpoint, I can't believe Horny's winning streak is over! Damn you Kool-Aid man, you ruined everything!Fear not Horny fans, it was only a tag. His run as a dominant singles wrestler is still alive!

Post match, Dibiase and Rhodes, after beating a midget, have two words about DX having the shortest comeback in WWE history: Too Bad. I'm sure it took the creative team a month to come up with that one. These two guys are one of the most generic looking heel tag teams I've ever seen. But hey, they sure showed that midget!

Jericho talked to Josh. He sucked up to the Canadian fans by talking about how proud he was to be in Calgary since he trained there and used to live there. Then Show came in pissed about Orton, which led to Jericho ripping Calgary. Then Josh told him the camera was still rolling while Jericho appeared to regret his comments. I guess this was their way of making Canadians boo Jericho. Didn't really work. We appreciate great wrestlers up here. We know better.

Smackdown this week has CM Punk vs. John Morrison. Great. Unlike anything on Raw, they'll have a long match.

Next week's guest host: Freddie Prinze Jr. Gee, I wonder how they got him. For those that don't know, he worked on the WWE creative team for a few months earlier this year mostly because his acting career wasn't going that well. He's landed a gig on 24, though, so good for him because that show rules. I don't know how relevant he is in today's pop culture since he hasn't done much lately, but at least he's a legit fan of the business. I wonder too how they'll book Orton next week since it's in his hometown of St. Louis.

Summerslam card rundown. I'll have a preview for it in next week's Raw Deal. I think in terms of in ring action it will be pretty good thanks to Punk vs. Hardy in a TLC match.

John Cena wrestled Chris Jericho to a no decision (**1/4)
Twenty minute match like I had hoped? No, they got seven. If I was being picky I'd use this space to say that while the tag champs are allowed on all three brands, aren't they only allowed to wrestle in tag matches? Ah screw it, it's Jericho. He should be on every show for being the best anyway. When the match started two hours into the show I knew it would be way rushed and it was. The crowd didn't boo Jericho much while being mixed towards Cena. Good job of showcasing Cena's power with that AA attempt only to have Jericho turn it into the Walls. I love Jericho's countering ability. I would have loved a Sharpshooter here. Cena went for the STF and that brought in Orton. Post match saw a lot of finishers. Jericho hit his on Cena, Orton knocked him out and Show chokeslammed Randy. This led to Slaughter coming out to make Jerishow vs. Cena/Orton or Team Facial Expression. Then after that, Orton hit a RKO on Jericho while Cena had him up for the AA. Then they stared some more because that's what they love to do.

If Slaughter can make one match for next week, why not make them all? Isn't that impeding on Freddie Prinze's turf? I guess it doesn't matter.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Chris Jericho – Yep. Again.
2. Gail Kim – She was on fire in that match.
3. Whoever came up with Dibiase & Rhodes saying "Too Bad" in response to DX coming back – Genius, I say!

Rating: 5 (out of 10)
Last week: 2.5

It wasn't a great show even for Raw's low standards, but they are slow heading in the right direction. The focus of the show was on the big matches for Summerslam, which is what it should be. Instead of being ruined by a guest host (Piven and Dr. Ken) or having the show stolen by the guest host (Shaquille O'Neal), the focus was on the actual WWE performers. The Slaughter segments were lame in the sense that they were designed for cheap local heat that doesn't really resonate across the world.

I'm still pissed they ended Hornswoggle's winning streak. That's just wrong on so many levels. I need a minute to control my tears here.

I liked seeing the development of Swagger vs. MVP, the women's match had a lot of effort, Cena/Jericho was good although it should have been given way more time and Michaels was funny for most of the segments, especially the third one. I don't feel like going over the bad parts again because by this point you know. I'm trying to be positive and point out that at least some effort was made to make the younger wrestlers look good, which will hopefully lead to good things down the road.

Thoughts from the Facebook friends
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. I will put some additional comments of my own when necessary in brackets following the quotation marks:

"Cena's trying to kiss Orton." (I wasn't alone in thinking it.)

"Show makes Jericho look as tall as Hornswoggle--what an odd couple they are."

"Maybe Raw is changing things around. Two decent matches, good opening to the show so far, but I'm forgetting each match will probably be around 5 minutes long, my bad."

"THE SEARCH FOR SHAWN MICHAELS?! GO TO HIS DAMN CHURCH!!! lol"

"I love how last week, we were not supposed to know who HHH was looking for and this week, they just up and say he's looking for him in Texas." (Great consistency, huh?)

"Raw gets 5 stars if Shawn Michaels is hanging out at a bar with Josh Hamilton." (Baseball fans will get that one.)

"An entertaining competitive divas match? Did that just happen?"

"I think they did just put MVP over a...little bit...it wasn't over Orton, Jericho, or Show for that matter but hey its a start."

"I love how a guy with dark brown eyebrows has long blonde hair. Hey, gay stuff is always funny right? Weenie! Ha, this is awesome stuff. The "hey, hunter" line was the best part of that. That is not good."

I think Michael Cole is wanting to go meet that gay guy who gets off at 7. He seems pretty giddy. (I'm having Heidenreich flashbacks. Not good.)

"I wonder if that little segment was as dumb in rehearsal as was live?" (In rehearsal everything's great. Just ask Vince.)

"Yay Eugene vs. the Calgary kid the match I've been waiting for all night."

"So when are Double J and Karen Angle guest hosting?"

"Big Show gets what he wants... and he doesn't want the title on the line?"

"Michael Cole finds HBK working as a chef hilarious. I find it hilarious that Michael Cole referred to Mickie James' title as the WWE championship."

"Sgt Slaughter's chin looks like it is eating his face."

"That tater tossing tike should host Raw next week." (I doubt they can afford her for two weeks.)

"And you notice that when Shawn went out of camera, the stunt double put the fire out, thus allowing time to mark up Shawn's face. And the stunt double of course had to spray right at the camera so you didn't get a good look. Although not as lame as last week...still pretty lame." (You're like that guy on those "secrets of magic" shows who wears a mask while ruining magic for me.)

"MVP is actually getting air time!!! McMahon must be on vacation."

"Thank you Canada for bringing back the "asshole" chant. And the "Orton hears a boo" sign. :)" (You're welcome. I speak on behalf of all Canadians…except the French.)

"HICKENBOTTOM!!!"

"HHH flipping burgers for a living? OH IF WE COULD BE SO LUCKY!"

"Did HBK just toss a little girl's salad? That's not PG...." ("Hi, I'm Scott Hanson from Dateline NBC…")

"Aww, PG but we can have a grown man superkick a little girl as long as we don't show it wow."

"Just got a little respect for RAW back…Sweet Chin Music to a little girl = epic."

"The old lady who said suck it was Chyna. She changed, man."

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoly crap I'm bored."

"Why is Hacksaw wearing wrestling trunks? Put him in khakis and a button-down shirt and leave him backstage. Please?" (Hey, don't deprive the ladies of the sexiness that is Hacksaw, alright?)

"DiBiase is winded against the Kool Aid man and the Lucky Charms kid? Really? Glad they won at least." (Yeah, that kid was on a roll.)

"Why is DiBiase going after Hornswaggle? After he... Read More slapped his dad a few weeks ago, was he cut out of the will and trying to go after his POT O' GOLD? (sorry, couldn't resist)"

"I wonder what's going to happen to the Hart Dynasty on Superstars? They like to make the hometowners do the hardcore job. (Spoiler: Yep.)

"I was shocked to see that one of the Tag Belts actually fit the Big Show. Then when he held it up I couldn't stop laughing when I saw the belt extender."

"Why can't Vince give us what we want? This was the second week in a row we didnt get to see Chavo vs. Hornswoggle! Don't toy with us McMahon!"

"How can the folks in your country fall for the same Bret's music trick each and every time, John???" (It's such a nice song!)

"Freddie Prinze should have a line next week that says, 'Who writes this shit?'" (Ha that's clever, but we'd have to replace shit with "brown stuff" for the PG show.)

"Raw is Jericho. At least in Canada. I wish it would be like that every week."

"Yes we are finally gonna see some new diva action, Mickie vs. Gail finally some real women wrestling and also major big asses to look at in the ring as well...Giggity Giggity."

"Three Stars Of The Show:
1. Little Cafeteria Girl
2. Big Show's Belt Extender
3. Chris Masters' Hair Plugs
Does anybody else see a problem here...?"

That's gimmick infringement! However, I like the list, so it stays. We'll do the same thing every week. I'm not putting in names to protect the people, but join the facebook page and throw your comments in after Raw and it could show up in the column. While I won't only post funny stuff, I would suggest the funnier you make your comment(s) the better. I post this Tuesday afternoons so get in there and join the fun.

------

I appreciate any feedback you guys can give so please send me your thoughts at oratoryjohn@gmail.com about anything related to WWE past or present. If you add me on facebook (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) you'll see the links to my columns as well because I post them there just as soon as I post them on this website.

I don't know if there'll be another column this week. I might be back for a different style of review for Smackdown. It would be a lot shorter than my usual, but I'm not 100% on the format yet. Maybe something like a "Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down" gimmick or something of that ilk. Shoot me an email with any ideas you may have. The Summerslam history piece is coming next week most likely. Have a great week.

Smell ya later,
John Canton - oratoryjohn@gmail.com
Add me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreport
AOLIM: OratorJC (This is the one I'm on the most.)
MSN: oratoryjohn@hotmail.com - Do not email me here! Will not be read!

Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.