The John Report: The Raw Deal for 11/02/09 (Cena vs. Jericho vs. Big Show)

Welcome to the Raw Deal. I watch Raw, give my thoughts on everything that went down, bring it home with the three stars of the show plus a final rating and then end the Raw discussion with the thoughts from my friends on Facebook in the weekly Commentfest, which is longer this week because of the heavy use of the word "vintage" on Raw. Before I start, some links: You can read the full Raw roster evaluation from last week right here and the Smackdown roster evaluation is right here. The ECW part, as well as some final thoughts on the whole roster, is coming on Thursday. If you've sent me an email in the last week I probably haven't replied. Been swamped in that area, but I will catch up this week. Keep sending them in. I really appreciate it.

I didn't do the Talking Smack column last week due to being burnt out. It'll be back this weekend and I will cover what I missed from the week before.

Live from Worcester, Massachusetts here's the Raw Deal…

This week's guest hosts are Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne
All aboard! They start the show in ring with Ozzy sitting in his throne. They showed him at WM2 and in 2007 performing. I actually liked that "I don't wanna stop" song although not sure why. "Crazy Train" is my favorite Ozzy song by far, though. That will be my wedding song one day because I will consider myself to be crazy when I get married. Miz came out, wanted to reverse last week's loss to Evan Bourne and Ozzy asked him who the hell he was. Big fan, that Ozzy. Legacy came out, they wanted to beat up Kofi. Big Show came out, he wanted an apology from the Raw guys for beating him up last week and Ozzy had one of the best lines of the night by saying, "I'm so sorry." Then DX came out. They plugged their merch as well as Ozzy's book (the idea that Ozzy Osbourne could write a sentence much less a book is funny in itself) and as always they got the GM to book matches they want. HHH whispered in his ear and Ozzy told us Miz would be wrestling "Evan Braun" for the US title and then we found out Randy Orton would face "Kobe Kingston." Didn't take long for some fuck ups. Then we got Cena vs. Show vs. Jericho in the main because this is WWE, land of the triple threat matches. I'm so fucking tired of triple threat matches.

The Miz d. "Evan Braun" (*1/4)
Braun was on offense most of the match. Then he botched a Shooting Star Press, Miz hit his Skull Crushing Finale and it was done after five minutes because Raw's not allowed to have a match with Braun going longer than five minutes.

Sheamus said that after tonight Jamie Noble's career would be over.

Sheamus d. Jamie Noble (*)
This was a vicious beating. I mean Sheamus beat the shit out of Jamie Noble, who is probably not going to be seen for a while after this. The ref ruled a stoppage, then Sheamus beat him up after. I love how the EMTs take forever to help the guy. Good to know they're on the case. This was really well done although I did have some legit fear for Noble when he took that sick powerbomb on the floor. It looked nasty. I haven't seen somebody beat somebody up like that since Quinton "Rampage" Jackson beat the shit out of that door on the Ultimate Fighter last week. I still don't know what I like more between door beatdowns and human beatdowns. It's like when Homer Simpson had to decide whether Barney's movie was better than football in the groin. Tough call. One day I will decide. By the way, this was so vicious that the announcers busted out the SERIOUS VOICES~! as they showed concern for Noble.

Backstage, Kofi talked about how he won't back down from Orton. That's nice to know. I have no problem with the Jamaican accent being dropped. Let him be himself. It's more natural.

The Kofi vs. Orton match stopped after two minutes when Legacy ran down. Ozzy said he knew this was going to happen. Yes, the guy that didn't know the names of two guys on the show after being told their names in his ear knew that there would be a run-in. What a genius. They set up the next match.

Kofi/Kobe Kingston/Johnson and the Black Dudes in Red d. Randy Orton with his Viper Like Stare and the Baby Oil Boy Club (*3/4)
I was hoping they'd mention Kofi grew up in the Boston area since they were close to there, but they didn't do that. It's not like he grew up in Ghana. He moved to America when he was one. Anyway, there was lots of energy here, which is always great to see. Did you hear the crowd reacting? I love that. It's a sign that this well deserved push for Kingston is working. I liked the story of Orton trying to get to Kofi only to get upstaged by Kofi again when he dropkicked Orton just as he was about to hit Henry with the most obvious RKO ever. I actually want to see Henry take that bump. Henry turned around, Cody jumped into his arms and Mark Henry ate him. At least it looked like he took a bite. No, it was just the World's Strongest Slam for the pin. The WSS by the WSM. Post match the focus was on Kingston one-upping Randy once again. Awesome. I like how they're doing this feud so far.

Raw's Got Talent segment
The Osbournes were judging a talent contest while the third judge was The Great Khali, who apparently has a crush on Kelly Osbourne. Or maybe he wants to crush her. I wouldn't complain. He was walking fine after knee surgery. Please don't do the Khali/Kane feud ever again. Please. Santino came out dressed like Ozzy, then ate a head off a bat…man. This was weak. Not one of Santino's classic comedy moments. He couldn't save this bit. Next was Chris Masters doing a pec muscle salute to Crazy Train. Every time a beat hit, his boobs danced. In a weird kind of way this was actually pretty good. "Get that man a bra!" is what Ozzy yelled. I am sure that Vince McMahon thought that segment right there was the greatest thing in the history of wrestling. A muscle dude doing the pec dance. They should send him on the campaign trail with Linda so he can entertain the masses. After that I lost interest. There was Chavo, there was Jillian, there was Sharon shoving Jillian, Khali chopping Chavo and Hornswoggle dressed as Jack Osbourne hitting Chavo with a splash. This was bad comedy all around. This segment was pretty bad although like I said the Masters thing was surprisingly funny.

Next week's host in England is boxer Ricky Hatton. He's obviously known in the UK and is known in the US for being in some big fights most notably against Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquaio (both losses for Hatton). Apparently he's a legit WWE fan, so that's nice to see.

Alicia Fox won the Divas Battle Royal (1/2*)
This wasn't pretty. Wow, a coveted six person battle royale. The tight shorts and tight tops were pretty, but the match was not. Alicia won. Keep in mind that she was the number one contender to the belt when Mickie was there, she lost clean and now she's the number one contender again. What a "division" this is. Who has an actual wrestler like Gail Kim pissed off to be the first one eliminated in a match where most of them have no business being in the ring. By the way, the two I found the best looking were Eve and Kelly x2. I miss Mickie James-Canton on Raw. I miss Maryse too!

The dumbass announcers tell us Jamie Noble suffered severe neck and back injuries. Gee, ya think?

The best in the world, Chris Jericho, talked to Ozzy and his annoying wife. Jericho told them that when he grew up he wanted to be just like Ozzy. This is mostly true. He grew up wanting to be a rock star and of course he's become somewhat of a rock star with his band Fozzy although obviously he's a better wrestler than he is a rock star. Chris talked about pandering to the fans, then he realized he didn’t need them and he became better than them as well as being better than Ozzy. It ended with Chris walking out while Ozzy asked Sharon who that was. Way to put over your talent, Vince. Way to go.

Backstage, DX had Horny hanging on a nail by his shirt telling him to stop the DX chops. Cena saved him. Hunter said that he beat Cena two weeks ago, HBK said he beat Cena in England two years ago (match of the year 2007) and Cena mentioned he's beat both of them although he didn't say in back to back WrestleMania main events. Then he said, "we beat each other all the time" and they cut to the Bella Twins, who kinda laughed at the handjob reference. All the guys looked flustered. Shawn mentioned DX had the odds in their favor in the match. Why don't they mention how the belt changes hands every PPV so even if Cena does lose at Survivor Series he's just going to get it back the next month? And why don't they mention how PPV buys are so down that changing the belt every fucking month hurts more than it helps? My bad for using logic. Back to the bad comedy. Cena actually ended it by saying he had four words for DX, "the champ is here." I saw a kid do something similar to that once. He was 12. This wasn't a good segment.

Chris Jericho d. John Cena & Big Show (*1/2)
I recommend people watch this match solely for DX at the announcer's desk. It was gold. Holy shit, I laughed so hard. The part about going to break because the voices in their head told them was tremendous. In case you don't know, they're talking about the director telling them it's time for commercial. What I loved during the match was when Shawn mentioned that "there is no end in the fight of John Cena" and that he should be happy about Cena getting beat up. He said it more than once to make a point that he was being told to say it. The other huge highlight for me (as well as those in Commentfest, as you will read later) was all the times they said vintage, making fun of Cole. I dunno about you, but I enjoyed it. It was funny stuff.

The actual match saw Jerishow beat on Cena most of the way, then in typical triple threat fashion they had some issues when it came time to pin and Cena was able to get some offense in. He was just about to hit Jericho with the Attitude Adjustment when Show KNOCKED HIM THE FUCK OUT and Jericho scored the pin. Show wasn't really upset about Jericho pinning him. Post match, they put Cena in the Walls of Jericho, then DX ran in, Show KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT of HBK, who sold it tremendously well and Jericho hit the Codebreaker on HHH. They left the faces lying. I thought Ozzy would come out to say Show vs. Jericho next week or something like that, but it didn't happen.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Shawn Michaels - Usually he's in this spot for a stellar match, but this week his commentary gets him in. He had me rolling.
2. Triple H - His comments were very good too. Shawn's were better, though.
3. Kofi Kingston - Another strong week for him. I'm very intrigued by the feud with Orton.

Rating: 5 (out of 10)
Last week: 5.5

Wrestling wise, not a good show. In terms of storylines, it was above average. They furthered a few different things with the Kofi/Randy feud being at the top of my list for things I want to see done well in the future.

I liked Ozzy as host. His random comments made me laugh and he delivered high marks on the unintentional comedy scale. I think the guest hosts screwing things up on a weekly basis has become my favorite thing on Raw every week.

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Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary.

Everyone ready for a 15 minute opener of incoherant babble...plus Ozzy will be there!

ALLLLLL ABOOAARRRRRDDDD!!!

VINTAGE SLURRINESS!! THANKS OZZY!!!

Any truth to the rumor that Manu Ginobili handed that bat he swatted to Ozzy for ritual beheading? (Yes he did.)

Nice combination... Mumbles and the Miz!

Hey isn't that Sharon Osbourne-Canton? I think so. (Well, she is rich...I mean no! Fuck no! That's just wrong!)

Really little boy..Realllyyy.....Sharon reminds me of the Wicked Witch of the West.

Really Really Really Really Really Really?

Reallyfest. (See that? You add fest to a boring word like "really" and it makes it exciting.)

SHAAARON!!! VINTAGE 9:09

Did u see Sharon whispering to Ozzy right before they cut to DX....two things...she was feeding him his next line or she was telling them who the hell they were. (Or both. Just assume Ozzy knows nothing.)

Ozzy:" What's with the bloody fucking glowsticks? Are we at a bloody fucking rave? SHARRRRROOOONNN!!!"

How is it raw keeps getting worse but the commentfest keeps getting better? (Maybe it should be called Rawfest?)

Evan Brawn?

Evan Brawn ftw!!

I'm pretty pumped to see Evan Brown debut.

Kofi Johnson and Evan Browne with massive pushes and they only been on the roster for two weeks!

evan braun. now with 5 cutting blades for extreme comfort! (Sold.)

Really....Kobe Kingston? Really?

It seems that every celebrity guest host has catered to a particular sub-cultural demographic. Metal heads, jocks, rednecks, and advocates of neutering your pets.

I like that HHH and HBK have decided to play GM in public, instead of in private like normal. Kayfabe? What's that?

The guy's a hero and all. But what he knows about WWE I could shit into a toilet. (I agree. Vince McMahon knows nothing. Oh wait, you meant someone else.)

Oh my god... why don't we just have Coby Kingston wrestling Evan Brawn, and get it over with?? Jesus... I love Ozzy, I really do... but this is why the celebrity thing is usually a bust... they know little or nothing of the WWE product... stop the madness!

I got a sneaking suspiscion that Evan Braun and Evan Bourne are one in the same...no proof yet...but I will get some before the night's over.

Batista: I Walk Alone (...to the Divas Lockerroom) DVD Available now. (Ha, man, that was funny. Except Mickie's in that locker room. Stay away, Batista!)

With at least 3/4 of the locker room on some kind of drug/medication, Ozzy must not feel right at home. (I would say 4/5ths to be more accurate. Not Triple H, though. He's all natural.)

John Canton, please don't try to do Mickie James at home... The WWE are trained professionals... (I have an office.)

Yessss A Win For The Miz!! Im Not Kidding When I Say This!! This Is 100% True!! The Real Deal!! The Miz IS Awesome!! (yhanks for capitalizing every single word, the miz.)

Holy crap a ghost...wait thats just Sheamus.

Jamie Noble's career has been over since he split with Nidia. (They need more blind people on Raw. Like Michael Cole. Wait, he can really see?)

Ok its offical Seamus is so pale, he makes Ozzy look tanned!

I'd look dominating too if I beat up guys of Jamie Noble's calibre. (Thanks for posting, Hornswoggle.)

Serious voices activated -_-

What the hell is that sound coming out of Jamie Noble's mouth? Sounds like a cat in heat.

Oh no guys stop making jokes King has turned on his serious voice. (I can't even do serious typing because I'm crying so much.)

Sheamus is a sick bastard!

AAAAAHHHHHHH IT'S SHEAMUS! My eyes need Sunscreen!!!

What are we supposed to learn from this? Seamus can beat up the smallest guy on the Raw roster (sans Hornswoggle)? If the Celtic Nightlight really wanted to make an impression, he'd destroy one of the big boys. (Hey, come on now. HHH might lose to him one day in a handicap match. After he beats him 30 times.)

Wow Sheamus. That is one aggressive piece of chalk. And why did Noble sound like he orgasmed when he got powerbombed? (Calling Sheamus a piece of chalk = Win.)

That Powerbomb was superbly shot btw. That camera man should be on the writing team, he's got more flair than all of them put together.... (Well yeah, I think we can all agree that WWE's production team > WWE's creative team.)

G'wan Sheamus ya big hoor. John, I'm looking for Sheamus to get one of the 3 stars. That powerbomb was super. I actually heard some heel heat on him. Raw are in Dublin tomorrow night. I'd say Sheamus will get a heroes welcome heel or not. (The Irish fans love Sheamus...almost as much as they love Hornswoggle.)

Why Tell Us That Who Cares Also We Are All Ready Watching Raw We Dont Need The Facts! (I put this here unedited as a way to encourage kids to stay in school. That's all.)

I hear voices in my head. and kofi kingston took one of them. And now he talks (to me).

Randy has just broke his own personal speed record for getting to the ring...I get it...the belt was slowing him down. (Commentfest = the new physics class.)

Ok, I had logged off to actually WATCH Raw for once, but after Cole's amazing stupidity.... Golden Corral BUFFER??? REALLY???

At first i was thinking "who's Jamie Noble sleeping with to get on RAW 2 weeks in a row"... now i'm thinking "who did he piss off to get that much of an ass whooping".... JAMIE "BY GOD" NOBLE = RATINGS!!!!!

Here comes the Baby Oil Brigade!!

If Randy Orton were Braveheart, he'd tell Kofi, "You can take me car; but you'll never take me SPRAY TAN!"

OH GAWD! THE KOFI KOOLAID KOALITION!

This whole match is racist.

kobe johnson seems like a nice normal not jamaican name for the not so jamaican kofi kingston.

You know what that means...cue music...someones gonna get there thirst quenched, somebodies gonna get a kool aid mustache.. (That's a catchy tune.)

See WWE can't really win with this match-up its the blacks vs the whites, and Linda is in a campaign. Blacks must win this match, otherwise she'll be called racist.

The only thing mark henry sells is a fart after eating. (Thanks for posting...umm...Mae Young?)

I'm so jealious of the people in the crowd holding there glows sticks up in X formation...I'm so envious of them.

If anyone knows what talent is, it's khali.

BEST WWE MUSIC EVER!! (Um, the Repo Man wasn't on this show!)

Ozzy to Sharon: Who the fuck is that?

Ozzie and Harriet!! I love Santino

Biting a head off of the Batman! SHARON!!!!!!

I think that actually is a vintage batman action figure.....

Masters boobs holy shit. (Uh oh, Vince McMahon is getting excited about a dude's muscles.)

Chris Masters in a comedy segment...make them titties dance boy...make em dance I said... (Settle down Vince!)

This is the only reason why Chris Masters was rehired, to do this sketch. (I'm glad we have confirmation.)

Did Ozzy just tell Masters to buy a Bro..or is it a MANzier? (I've always called it a manzier.)

Give it to Chris Masters. That's the hardest I've laughed in a long time.

Tonight was the first time my wife ever got jealous of me checking out another dude's rack. Thanks Chris Masters.

Bring out Mickie James-Canton to just STAND there and she wins the "talent" show hands down! (Yes.)

VINTAGE SHARON BITCHSLAP!!! 10:18

Vintage Hornswoggle!!!!

Jack-Swoggle? TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!!

Vintage Hornswoggle or did Carlito finally get back on Raw. (They are practically twins.)

I don't know if this was the best comedy segment ever, or the worst. (A little of column A and more of column B.)

Really? Jackswoggle? Jack-Splash? and vintage all in one segment. I think my inner child just committed suicide. (He led a good life. RIP inner child.)

Oh look divas.... tea time.

Raw diva: smart, sexy, silent...

The only thing that can keep me watching after the abomination that is jackswoggle... kelly kelly (other than jericho of course).

Ah, for once a guest host that has to be googled by people OUTSIDE of Ireland and the UK. (I follow boxing, so I know who he is. Doesn't mean I can understand him.)

You hope Hatton knocks someone out? Sure. As long as niether Mayweather nor Pacquiao show up.

Ricky Hatton the guy who got the shit kicked out of him by Money Mayweather...no need to google that...

I cant believe my eyes!!! Kelly Kelly!!!!! (Yes, it's the crazy obssessed Kelly Kelly fan that reminds me of myself when I was a crazy obssessed Trish Stratus fan back in the day...wait I still am.)

Now Eve I like you alot...but you shouldnt touch the Bellas like that...

Melina just checked out Eve's ass....BULLY!

Batista just tore 5 triceps and blew out a hymen.

Please be serious DX........ take that little shit out!

Did Cena just make a "Johnny Dangerously" reference??? I though I was one of like five people to have seen that movie! (Johnny Dangerously ruled. "You fargin' asshole violating my fargin' rights!" Classic.)

There would be a great cue for Ron Simmons when Cena was talking about beating each other...DAMN! (I agree and I seriously do miss that.)

Really, women in the wrestling business are going to assume "beat" refers to hand jobs? I guess this kind of humor passes for PG because they know Cena's fans won't have any idea what he's talking about, anyways. (Smart, sexy and incredibly adept at picking up sexual innuendo.)

Who cares about the ugly Bellas? All three are married, one's a born again christian, ones the PG-King, and the others married to his boss. It'd make more sense if they were gay...

We beat each other all the time..classic pg stuff Vince. PG= pretty gay, good writing Pat Patterson.

Stars of DX? THEY'RE THE ONLY MEMBERS! GOD DAMN YOU COLE. (The biggest members?)

HHH is at his funniest when he breaks kayfabe...... (Or when he enters a posedown.)

HHH and HBK with Vintage vintaging!!!

Vintage making fun of Vintage!

Vintage people talking about Vintage with Michael Cole...

HBK said if he could say vintage alot he would be good at this...lol

Once again, WWE steals from the Raw Deal. Vintage WWE.

DX looks at commentfest vintage x 4!

That voice in your head? Yeah, that's Vince feeding you your lines. (Thanks for your sharing your expertise on voices in your head, Randy Orton.)

"SHUT UP COLE" from HBK... my NEW favorite wrestler EVER! (He's always been mine. However, I missed the part in the bible where it says, "thou shalt tell terrible wrestling announcers to shut up.")

Raw was PG at 9:00, TV 14 at 10, and Adults Only when DX is on the commentary...

Vintage Triple H making something stale....ALA "Vintage" (Yep. Turn him heel now.)

Now King is in on it! I'm having a Vintage overload!

HBK + trashing Cole about VINTAGE = WARM & FUZZY SOUL

Oh everyone is saying VINTAGE now...

How many times are they gonna say vintage? I think I'll pull a Lazareth, bring my inner child back to life just so i can witness the suicide again.

You know what I hate? Right after the three count is made, and he's officially pinned, Cena moves. SELL THE FUCKIN MOVE AND STAY IMMOBILE! If you were down for three seconds consecutively, its not like ur magically able to move at three and a half. (I think he went to the Hulk Hogan school of kicking out right after the pin.)

Come on Triple H, you can survive having sex with Chyna, but can't take one codebreaker from Jericho? LAAAAAAAAME!

OK..really? Was there really 6 'vintages' during that match or is my DVR skipping??? (It was probably more.)

Hmmm.... smells a ricky hatton knock out on show next week...... vintage foreshadowing....

JOHN CENA GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!!!!! FUCK YOU CENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wonder how John C. is taking this Divas battle royal concept with Mickie James-Canton not involved... by the way John, I live bout 40 minutes from Mickie and know exactly where she stays... any message you want me to pass to her? (Tell her that when I said she has beautiful eyes I really meant to say she has a beautiful ass. And breasts. I have never looked at her eyes.)

Thanks for the participation as always.

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See you on Thursday for the final part of the roster evaluation, which will cover ECW.

Thanks for reading. It's my birthday on Wednesday the 4th, so have a drink for me. Or don't. I'll have some drinks, that's for sure. Have a great week.

Smell ya later,
John Canton - oratoryjohn@gmail.com
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