The John Report: The Raw Deal for 01/11/10 (Orton/Cena/Kingston)
Welcome to the Raw Deal. Plugs at the end.

NOTE: The link to Commentfest is now in as of 12:30pm ET Tuesday. It's in its usual spot.

Live from Minneapolis, Minnesota this is the Raw Deal (sponsored by topropetalk.com - they didn't pay me, but they asked and they have received the plug.)…

We get Mike Tyson to start us off. He's awkward from the get go. He throws to a video package showing WM14 when he KO'd HBK. Out comes Sheamus. He questions Tyson being the baddest man. So does anybody with a brain. Tyson hasn't been relevant for over a decade and hasn't won a big fight in nearly twenty years considering he lost to Lewis and Holyfield multiple times. He's also got the 40 year old man pot belly thing happening. After Sheamus came Orton. Then Cena. Then Kingston. What was great was that while Kingston was delivering his obviously scripted lines that don't sound like him he was interrupted by the crowd chanting against Cena. It threw him off. Cena was like, "dude it happens all the time. Follow the script." Okay, didn't say the script part. Anyway, after all this we ended up getting a triple threat match to determine who would face Sheamus at the Rumble. Gee, I wonder who wasn't going to win. Maybe the guy that has lost to Orton repeatedly for two months. Way to kill a hot feud, Vince. Amazing. Tyson wasn't very good here although that should surprise nobody.

Alicia Alicia d. Kelly Kelly (1/4*)
I remember reading articles last summer when they said they're not having women wrestle in skimpy clothes anymore. Kelly was basically wearing bikini bottoms and a bra on top. Not that I'm complaining. Kelly did some offense, but Alicia countered on a clearly choreographed spot to finish her off with a stiff looking powerbomb. They can't wrestle well, but at least they're skinny. Right, Vince?

They showed Cena at the Fiesta Bowl last week. They make no mention that it was opposite Raw. Shocking.

Did You Know? When I told Beth Phoenix she said something funny on Twitter I got scolded by Mickie James-Canton: "Hey! U r suppose 2 be on my side!" I am, MJC. Always. She thought I praised a comment that Beth made to her, but it was something she said to a fan. Notice the caring, though.

Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes come out to talk about the Rumble, hinting at dissention. It's the same promo that every single team has cut for over 20 years about the Rumble. They mentioned The Marine 2. No mention of how (un)successful it is, though. I wonder why.

Legacy d. Mark Henry & Evan Bourne (*)
This was actually longer than a typical Raw match because it was four minutes instead of three. Crazy! Of course Bourne got beat up, did the hot tag to Henry, who then talked out quickly because he was probably tired from moving for twenty seconds. Get that man some Kool-Aid! NOW! There should be a Kool-Aid attendant at ringside for Mark Henry matches. He can take a swig and start kicking ass. It's like Popeye with his spinach. Does anybody under 20 know who Popeye is? Anyway, Rhodes won with his Cross Rhodes finisher. Bourne sold it amazingly well. I freakin' love watching Bourne wrestle. Too bad he's jobber boy.

Hunter and Michaels talked with Shawn saying he wants to talk to Tyson. Triple H put over Tyson's craziness even though he's like a sedated tiger these days with all the meds he's on.

They plugged ECW, which isn't even shown in Canada (or at least Ontario) anymore. Thanks WWE. I know I can watch it online, but I don't have a nice HD TV so I can watch things online.

Tyson talked with Michaels. Tyson said he didn't regret what happened. Why do they zoom in on Tyson so much? I don't get it. Jericho came in even though he got kicked off Raw for the second time. We're getting Tyson & Jericho vs. DX tonight with the idea that if Jerichyson (Jericho's name always starts off his tag teams because he's the best) wins then Jericho gets to stay on Raw forever this time we meant it really we're serious yeah it's the truth. Or something. If you didn't know what was happening as soon as this match was made then you really need to question yourself as a fan. It was so obvious even…insert name of blind celebrity (do we have to go with Stevie Wonder? Aren't we due for a younger blind musician?)…could see it. Did you see how stupid Cole looked shadow boxing? Brutal. Somebody KNOCK HIM THE FUCK OUT~! for me. I'm begging you.

Did You Know? If you type "douchebag" into Google search you get 1,870,000 results. If you type in "Michael Cole" you get 21,500,000. Think about it.

Jack Swagger did a time wasting segment with Santino. They had an over the top challenge. Santino's joke was that he was going to drop him like a bicycle without a kickstand. Hilarious. Then he eliminated Swagger. Who did Swagger piss off to be treated like a joke? I don't get it.

All they're doing by showing Austin/Tyson from 1998 - to me the best segment in the history of Raw - is reminding us of how bad Raw's been the last few months.

Randy Orton d. Kofi Kingston & John Cena to become the #1 Contender to the WWE Title (**)
I don't know what happened in this match. It seemed off. Sheamus came out. Shooting him from the back isn't a good idea. The bacne he has, if that's what it is, really shows in the HD. They did the typical triple threat spots with each guy getting falls until the third man kicks out. The problem was guys were out of place. I think it might have been Kofi, I don't know. Anyway, he hit Trouble in Paradise on Cena, who went to the floor. Cody came in to kick the steps into Cena. The ref reprimanded Cody, which of course meant Ted would come in to interfere with Kofi. Orton hit the RKO for the win. He yelled at Kofi saying "STUPID!" while doing it. Did he miss a spot or was it in character? Who knows. Orton moves on against Sheamus. Remember that speech a few weeks back where Cena spoke of how he wouldn't lose a match before winning the WWE Title again? Well, he lost this one. No mention from the announcers, of course. He didn't get pinned, but he didn't win either. That's a loss. Like Ricky Bobby's dad said while he was high, "if you're not first, you're last."

The Miz started speaking from backstage where talked about how when he first got to WWE he wasn't allowed to change in the locker room because he violated some rule about eating chicken and getting a ref's bag dirty. He had to dress on his own for six months, find his own washroom and all that. I assume it's true. Who knows? He walked out to the ring saying that MVP, the number one contender to the US Title, wasn't in his league because he's perfect while MVP was a criminal. MVP came out. He talked about how he made those mistakes, but he's learned from them and earned the respect of the fans…no not the fans…the WWE Universe. Calling the people "Fans" is an illegal thing in WWE, just like wrestler is. He took off his high priced suit to get down to business and the two of them brawled. The crowd was into it. MVP kicked him out of the ring, literally. This was an excellent segment. It's rare to see two midcarders on Raw get ten minutes to further a feud using only their voices. I liked it a lot. It reminded me of the McIntyre/Morrison segment about a month back that was effective for that feud too. Hopefully when they have the match it lasts longer than this promo. Who knows, though?

Eve Eve d. Katie Lea Burchill (DUD)
Pretty brutal. Eve Eve won. Maryse was on commentary. They face off in the next round. Eve is pretty damn gorgeous, I have to say. She is getting better in the ring although working a two minute match where 30 seconds of it is a rest hold isn't saying much.

Smackdown this week: Batista vs. Mysterio again (third time in six weeks) in a steel cage to determine the #1 contender. I thought it would be a triple threat at the Rumble. Guess not.

Vince McMahon came out to the ring. He quickly reacted when the fans said "We Want Bret" but when they chanted "Boring" he said nothing. Funny how that works. He said Bret won't be in a WWE ring again. Yes he will. He'll be there next week. At least it was under five minutes.

DX d. Chris Jericho & Mike Tyson (1/2*)
Before the match started, Michaels said he wanted Undertaker to answer him about WrestleMania next week. Whoa whoa whoa, you want the Undertaker to work a Monday? That's crazy. He barely works on Tuesdays! Michaels bumped around for Tyson shoving him. Predictably, Horny came out, Jericho turned around and ate a right hand from Tyson who KNOCKED HIM THE FUCK OUT~! to give DX the most obvious win in the history of professional wrestling. The worst part of this thing was that they put Mike Tyson, a retired boxer, over as more of a threat than HBK who is arguably the best professional wrestler ever. This is a problem, Vince. You're hurting your talent. You're saying a guy with a beer gut is scarier than the best in the company. Then you've got the announcers talking about Tyson like it's 1990 or something. It was twenty years ago. The guy's retired. Where was Big Show during all this anyway? I guess he was busy…doing nothing.

To the people that say they called the finish, OF COURSE you called it. It was the most obvious finish in the history of wrestling. And it was lame. The setup was lame. The finish was lame. The only thing that looked good was the dive Jericho took because he sold that punch very well.

Brutal ending. The only good thing that came of this night was that Steve Austin's guest hosting on March 15 in San Diego. Too bad he can't host every other one before that. I'm not really looking forward to Miami Vice and Napoleon Dynamite next week.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Randy Orton - "STUPID!"
2. The Miz
3. MVP

Rating: 3 (out of 10)
Last week: 6.5

I wanted this to be a good show. I really did. It wasn't, though. Here's my question: What did this show accomplish aside from Randy Orton being named number one contender? Nothing much. Yes, MVP and Miz cut a good face to face promo that will create interest for their match, but will they even get a PPV match? Probably not. The main event relied on a story from 12 years ago that they replayed half a dozen times even though everybody knew what was going to happen. To top it off, the stupid announcers actually asked if it was planned all along? Are you kidding me? Stop treating us like idiots. Stop booking shows to put the guest hosts over. Can you imagine how good Raw would be if they actually booked some of the younger babyfaces to look good? All MVP, Kingston and Bourne do is lose matches. It's why the crowds are dead for their matches. But hey, let's put over that guest host. That'll help the future of the company.

You know what WWE should be worried about? PPV numbers. When a big four show like Survivor Series doesn't even get 250,000 buys that's a problem. You can't base main events of Raw around what a midget might do. They don't sell tickets. They don't cause people to buy the show.

My pre-Raw thoughts on Twitter (twitter.com/johnreport) were: "3 Raw predictions: 1) Cole will laugh at something stupid, 2) Tyson KO's a midcarder, 3) Jericho will be on." Depends on what you think of Jericho, but I believe I nailed it. I thought it would be Chavo. He lucked out.

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